If Only
by Malevolent-Chan
Summary: Ciel fights for acknowledgement as an adult and struggles with his past and jealousy. Ciel is willing to go to extremes to get what he wants although it only appears to make himself seem more and more like a child. Can he overcome his insecurities and win Sebastian's heart? Yaoi, rated M.
1. Chapter 1

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{Authors Note & Disclaimer}**•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Hello everyone! Hope you like this new story ^.^ This may be a bit confusing but it is written in my interpretation of stream of consciousness genre. Basically, the story is set up in the past through a series of dreams and journal entries that eventually catch you up with what is happening in the present.

**Disclaimer:** [Insert your typical witty Kuroshitsuji disclaimer here]

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{If Only - Chapter 1, ****Ciel's Dream****}**••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The laughter of a very happy family permeates the living room...my family. That was so long ago, and yet here it is before me. Blurry visions of my favorite toys, my dog, and my old life flashing in front of my eyes. I feel a sense of peace flood through me. I wish it would just last forever. I wish I could just stay here. I don't want it to end. Never. Everything is so simple in this little euphoric world of mine. No worries. No lies. No pain. Our laughter fades and suddenly a vivid image of a very beautiful woman appears before me. Smiling, perfect—my mother. My small hand reaches out to her, and she pulls me into her arms. I am so little in comparison. A young voice says, "Mommy! Mommy, play with me!"

It takes me awhile to realize it is _my_ voice. It sounds so different, so innocent.

"I am sorry, son. It is time for you to sleep now," I hear a strong, deep voice say—my father.

I cannot forget that voice and I never want to. He picks me up, and I watch the steps as we ascend the stairs. He opens the door to my room and sets us down on my four-poster bed. My vision gets fuzzy as I wipe my eyes and cuddle into the warmth of my blankets. Everything goes dark and I hear him say, "goodnight, son. I love you."

I suddenly feel warmth, and the heat slowly rises until it becomes uncomfortable. I cannot breathe and I feel my throat tightening. I get up urgently, adrenaline beginning to pump through my veins. I cannot hear much, but the smell—the smell is so strong. I am coughing and hacking as smoke fills my lungs. I fall from of my bed in desperation. On the ground, I found it easier to breathe. As I open my eyes, all I can see is orange. Everywhere. Consuming everything. It is so hot. I blink and tears streak down from my stinging eyes. I hear a pleading voice call out: "Sebastian! Come 'ere, boy! Please!"

Once again, I realize the voice belonged to me. I suddenly become aware of loud barking at my door.

"Sebby! Help me!" I yell crawling to my door.

I grab the knob and scream. It burns my hand, but I still open it. I cannot stay here. My big black dog bites the collar of my shirt and drags me to the staircase. There are flames everywhere. I try to stand but fall, and I feel myself tumble down the steps to the floors below. Pain floods my brain. I pry my eyes open once more. My dog's barks ring through my ears, and then everything fades black as my eyes close again.

I cannot see anything, but I can feel. I feel scared. I feel pain, and I can hear voices. I hear deep, rough voices surround me. I feel shackles and chains bind my oversensitive skin. I open my eyes and see blurry figures of men. As my vision sharpens I can see their disgusting smirks and lustful looks. I feel my fear rise, heartbeat racing. I try to scream but it's muffled. Suddenly, I become aware of immense pain as they thrust inside me. It seems like it goes on forever. It hurts so bad that I wish I were dead. I am still so hot as if the heat of the fire never left me. Their nasty hands envelop me and touch me in a way that makes me squirm and cry out. Their hands grip me with enough force to bruise. I hate it. I cannot move. I want to escape. I cannot take this any longer. My vision fades and I pass out from the pain.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{****That morning****}**••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

_My eyes fluttered open and I wiped the sweat from my brow. I grabbed my journal that I keep inside my pillowcase and began to jot down my thoughts:_

December 3, 1887

Dear Journal,

I woke from my recurring nightmare this morning, scared and heaving. In my dream, I was tied up and naked in front of disgusting old men. The terrifying thought about this dream is it was once reality to me, but now it's just a memory I will never forget. If you were in my position at that time, you would have done just as I had, grabbed anything even if it is only the spider's thread to escape. I am indebted to Sebastian, but until the day comes that the price is paid, he_ will_ serve me. He has no choice. Unfortunately, for Sebastian, that time will be his great dismay—fashionably late. He must wait to consume my soul only once my mission in this world is complete. Now, I live for revenge for the misery inflicted on me; not for the tragic destruction of my home or the murder of my parents. There is no reason to seek revenge for the dead, after all, they are gone and will never return to this world. Unfortunately, I had to learn that the difficult way after I lost everything I ever loved. That disgusting dream is all I have. I can only vaguely remember my life before the fire when I was an innocent little boy. Some may believe I am _still_ an innocent little boy—although, they are _wrong_. Life then was easy and entertaining; my family was wealthy, so I had a leisurely life with all the toys I could ever wish for. I now understand the quote: "time waits for no man." It's strange that when you watch something horrible happen to another person, you always think that it couldn't possibly happen to you until it's far too late. So, I must move on and take over my responsibilities as the one-and-only Phantomhive heir. I have surpassed the maturity level of my age, and I am tired of being treated as a child. I want to prove to Sebastian that I am_ not _a child anymore. Therefore, I deserve such treatment. In a way, I despise Sebastian's true nature and my imminent fate. I suppose that is the real reason I try to make him as miserable as I can manage and demand things that seemed impossible just to make his daily plans go horribly wrong. He really _hates_ being off schedule. It probably doesn't help I am just a _tad_ sadistic.

P.S.

I wonder when I will finally be free of this awful dream. When will it finally stop mocking me? When will it finally stop hurting me?

Sincerely, _Ciel Phantomhive_

_After I finished writing, I yawned, stretching my arms over my head when Sebastian entered my room with breakfast. My morning went on as usual. Sebastian asked me which breakfast choice I would prefer and then proceeded to tell me the schedule for the day._

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{Later that day}**•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

December 3, 1887

Dear Journal,

Today should have been simple; I only had my studies. I had gotten rather talented at _pretending_ to pay attention to what was being taught. I decided that while I was being tutored, I could derive a way to push Sebastian's limits and annoying was before I realized I was a fool, a true child.

Events from earlier today—

My tutoring today had gone quite splendid. Of course, I had success planning during my classes. I am a Phantomhive after all, and I get what I want—so I thought. Perhaps I _am _ just a spoiled brat, but honestly, at the time, I couldn't care less. I tried my best to suppress a smirk as I walked down the corridors of my mansion. I thought wickedly, that it would be a rather _fine_ day, indeed. I had some arrangements made to have a certain _nuisance_ visit later that day. It was quite simple really. I wrote a detailed letter of Sebastian's sexual desires and addressed it to a _certain someone_.Surely, you could guess who... I headed for the gardens to tell finny that he was slacking and that the trees needed trimming. In truth, they did not need trimming at all. I knew if I told him this, he would practically cut all the branches off. He might even cut them all down which I thought would be just brilliant! It would make Sebastian so _incredibly _pleased! I could not hold in my manic laughter when it escaped my mouth. It was all so funny! I then headed towards the kitchen to tell Mey-Rin that I had noticed that my silver needed polishing, and my China needed dusting. I walked out leaving a wake of destruction in my path. The most entertaining part at the time was that I did not even need to lift a finger; just a few commands here and there and everything fell apart. Hah, oh yes, some very important people would be over later as well because I thought that I could catch up and do some business. The Funtom Company needed new toys for the summer collection, after all—at least, that was my justification. It was all my plan to see if Sebastian really was "worth his salt." The day ended as a success. I managed to create havoc and panic within my mansion and devastate Sebastian's schedule, _of course_.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{Present}**•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

December 4, 1887

Dear Journal,

It was much later last night that I realized that I had been so very stupid. Sebastian, in desperation, slept with Grell, whom I had written the letter to. It was the quickest way to get rid of him or so Sebastian thought. It was then I realized my true feelings for Sebastian. It seems I have fallen in love with him... I am not aware of the day it happened but there is no going back now. I forced myself to watch through the cracked door. Although I wanted to look away, I could not tear my eyes from them. Sebastian was so... attractive, and I—to be honest—was jealous of Grell. I wanted to take his place. I wanted him gone (which was not a new feeling—he is so damned irritating!). It is entertaining to think that I once hated Sebastian. Only, I do. I still do. It is odd, really, having such mixed emotions. I cannot deny my feelings anymore. It is a shame because it complicates things. I wonder if he can tell?

With my new-found feelings flooding my thoughts, I am just going through the motions of my day. I am not really paying attention to anything at all. My mind is focused on my thoughts, and before I know it, it is time for bed—10 o' clock.

Bedtimes...I am a child.

P.S

I know that what I did yesterday really was the wrong way to get what I wanted. I can't restrain my chuckle as I sit on my bed. Sebastian is standing beside me. It really is funny. It seems I am not capable of growing up even as hard as I try.

What I am about to do, I know it's foolish.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{END}**••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Thank you so much for reading :) I hope you enjoyed it. There will be one more chapter. This story is different from my others and I struggled with it so please give me feedback so I can improve! Writing can always be better.

- Malevolent-Chan


	2. Chapter 2

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{Authors Note & Disclaimer}**•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Hello everyone! Hope you like this new story ^.^ This may be a bit confusing but it is written in my interpretation of stream of consciousness genre. Basically, the story is set up in the past through a series of dreams and journal entries that eventually catch you up with what is happening in the present.

**Disclaimer:** [Insert your typical witty Kuroshitsuji disclaimer here]

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{If Only - Chapter 1, ****Ciel's Dream****}**••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The laughter of a very happy family permeates the living room...my family. That was so long ago, and yet here it is before me. Blurry visions of my favorite toys, my dog, and my old life flashing in front of my eyes. I feel a sense of peace flood through me. I wish it would just last forever. I wish I could just stay here. I don't want it to end. Never. Everything is so simple in this little euphoric world of mine. No worries. No lies. No pain. Our laughter fades and suddenly a vivid image of a very beautiful woman appears before me. Smiling, perfect—my mother. My small hand reaches out to her, and she pulls me into her arms. I am so little in comparison. A young voice says, "Mommy! Mommy, play with me!"

It takes me awhile to realize it is _my_ voice. It sounds so different, so innocent.

"I am sorry, son. It is time for you to sleep now," I hear a strong, deep voice say—my father.

I cannot forget that voice and I never want to. He picks me up, and I watch the steps as we ascend the stairs. He opens the door to my room and sets us down on my four-poster bed. My vision gets fuzzy as I wipe my eyes and cuddle into the warmth of my blankets. Everything goes dark and I hear him say, "goodnight, son. I love you."

I suddenly feel warmth, and the heat slowly rises until it becomes uncomfortable. I cannot breathe and I feel my throat tightening. I get up urgently, adrenaline beginning to pump through my veins. I cannot hear much, but the smell—the smell is so strong. I am coughing and hacking as smoke fills my lungs. I fall from of my bed in desperation. On the ground, I found it easier to breathe. As I open my eyes, all I can see is orange. Everywhere. Consuming everything. It is so hot. I blink and tears streak down from my stinging eyes. I hear a pleading voice call out: "Sebastian! Come 'ere, boy! Please!"

Once again, I realize the voice belonged to me. I suddenly become aware of loud barking at my door.

"Sebby! Help me!" I yell crawling to my door.

I grab the knob and scream. It burns my hand, but I still open it. I cannot stay here. My big black dog bites the collar of my shirt and drags me to the staircase. There are flames everywhere. I try to stand but fall, and I feel myself tumble down the steps to the floors below. Pain floods my brain. I pry my eyes open once more. My dog's barks ring through my ears, and then everything fades black as my eyes close again.

I cannot see anything, but I can feel. I feel scared. I feel pain, and I can hear voices. I hear deep, rough voices surround me. I feel shackles and chains bind my oversensitive skin. I open my eyes and see blurry figures of men. As my vision sharpens I can see their disgusting smirks and lustful looks. I feel my fear rise, heartbeat racing. I try to scream but it's muffled. Suddenly, I become aware of immense pain as they thrust inside me. It seems like it goes on forever. It hurts so bad that I wish I were dead. I am still so hot as if the heat of the fire never left me. Their nasty hands envelop me and touch me in a way that makes me squirm and cry out. Their hands grip me with enough force to bruise. I hate it. I cannot move. I want to escape. I cannot take this any longer. My vision fades and I pass out from the pain.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{****That morning****}**••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

_My eyes fluttered open and I wiped the sweat from my brow. I grabbed my journal that I keep inside my pillowcase and began to jot down my thoughts:_

December 3, 1887

Dear Journal,

I woke from my recurring nightmare this morning, scared and heaving. In my dream, I was tied up and naked in front of disgusting old men. The terrifying thought about this dream is it was once reality to me, but now it's just a memory I will never forget. If you were in my position at that time, you would have done just as I had, grabbed anything even if it is only the spider's thread to escape. I am indebted to Sebastian, but until the day comes that the price is paid, he_ will_ serve me. He has no choice. Unfortunately, for Sebastian, that time will be his great dismay—fashionably late. He must wait to consume my soul only once my mission in this world is complete. Now, I live for revenge for the misery inflicted on me; not for the tragic destruction of my home or the murder of my parents. There is no reason to seek revenge for the dead, after all, they are gone and will never return to this world. Unfortunately, I had to learn that the difficult way after I lost everything I ever loved. That disgusting dream is all I have. I can only vaguely remember my life before the fire when I was an innocent little boy. Some may believe I am _still_ an innocent little boy—although, they are _wrong_. Life then was easy and entertaining; my family was wealthy, so I had a leisurely life with all the toys I could ever wish for. I now understand the quote: "time waits for no man." It's strange that when you watch something horrible happen to another person, you always think that it couldn't possibly happen to you until it's far too late. So, I must move on and take over my responsibilities as the one-and-only Phantomhive heir. I have surpassed the maturity level of my age, and I am tired of being treated as a child. I want to prove to Sebastian that I am_ not _a child anymore. Therefore, I deserve such treatment. In a way, I despise Sebastian's true nature and my imminent fate. I suppose that is the real reason I try to make him as miserable as I can manage and demand things that seemed impossible just to make his daily plans go horribly wrong. He really _hates_ being off schedule. It probably doesn't help I am just a _tad_ sadistic.

P.S.

I wonder when I will finally be free of this awful dream. When will it finally stop mocking me? When will it finally stop hurting me?

Sincerely, _Ciel Phantomhive_

_After I finished writing, I yawned, stretching my arms over my head when Sebastian entered my room with breakfast. My morning went on as usual. Sebastian asked me which breakfast choice I would prefer and then proceeded to tell me the schedule for the day._

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{Later that day}**•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

December 3, 1887

Dear Journal,

Today should have been simple; I only had my studies. I had gotten rather talented at _pretending_ to pay attention to what was being taught. I decided that while I was being tutored, I could derive a way to push Sebastian's limits and annoying was before I realized I was a fool, a true child.

Events from earlier today—

My tutoring today had gone quite splendid. Of course, I had success planning during my classes. I am a Phantomhive after all, and I get what I want—so I thought. Perhaps I _am _ just a spoiled brat, but honestly, at the time, I couldn't care less. I tried my best to suppress a smirk as I walked down the corridors of my mansion. I thought wickedly, that it would be a rather _fine_ day, indeed. I had some arrangements made to have a certain _nuisance_ visit later that day. It was quite simple really. I wrote a detailed letter of Sebastian's sexual desires and addressed it to a _certain someone_.Surely, you could guess who... I headed for the gardens to tell finny that he was slacking and that the trees needed trimming. In truth, they did not need trimming at all. I knew if I told him this, he would practically cut all the branches off. He might even cut them all down which I thought would be just brilliant! It would make Sebastian so _incredibly _pleased! I could not hold in my manic laughter when it escaped my mouth. It was all so funny! I then headed towards the kitchen to tell Mey-Rin that I had noticed that my silver needed polishing, and my China needed dusting. I walked out leaving a wake of destruction in my path. The most entertaining part at the time was that I did not even need to lift a finger; just a few commands here and there and everything fell apart. Hah, oh yes, some very important people would be over later as well because I thought that I could catch up and do some business. The Funtom Company needed new toys for the summer collection, after all—at least, that was my justification. It was all my plan to see if Sebastian really was "worth his salt." The day ended as a success. I managed to create havoc and panic within my mansion and devastate Sebastian's schedule, _of course_.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{Present}**•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

December 4, 1887

Dear Journal,

It was much later last night that I realized that I had been so very stupid. Sebastian, in desperation, slept with Grell, whom I had written the letter to. It was the quickest way to get rid of him or so Sebastian thought. It was then I realized my true feelings for Sebastian. It seems I have fallen in love with him... I am not aware of the day it happened but there is no going back now. I forced myself to watch through the cracked door. Although I wanted to look away, I could not tear my eyes from them. Sebastian was so... attractive, and I—to be honest—was jealous of Grell. I wanted to take his place. I wanted him gone (which was not a new feeling—he is so damned irritating!). It is entertaining to think that I once hated Sebastian. Only, I do. I still do. It is odd, really, having such mixed emotions. I cannot deny my feelings anymore. It is a shame because it complicates things. I wonder if he can tell?

With my new-found feelings flooding my thoughts, I am just going through the motions of my day. I am not really paying attention to anything at all. My mind is focused on my thoughts, and before I know it, it is time for bed—10 o' clock.

Bedtimes...I am a child.

P.S

I know that what I did yesterday really was the wrong way to get what I wanted. I can't restrain my chuckle as I sit on my bed. Sebastian is standing beside me. It really is funny. It seems I am not capable of growing up even as hard as I try.

What I am about to do, I know it's foolish.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••**{END}**••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Thank you so much for reading :) I hope you enjoyed it. There will be one more chapter. This story is different from my others and I struggled with it so please give me feedback so I can improve! Writing can always be better.

- Malevolent-Chan


End file.
